The Diaper Holocaust

What's the difference between this morning's diaper experience and the Holocaust? The Holocaust had survivors.

The baby's first diaper of the morning is typically wet. I change that and it's wet again within a few minutes. Short story: baby saves up a lot of liquid during the night. So, this morning, expecting business as usual I untape the baby's diaper and find:

A small lake of thin poopy liquid. There is no solid matter at all. It is like brown pee. Oh! I say, in surprise, and reach for the baby wipes.

In the 12 seconds it takes me to lift up the container of wipes and direct them toward the baby's resting place, she pees again. This new piss displaces the poopy lake and causes it to overflow its shores and run out all over my bed.

Um. Okay, so I lift the baby out of the miasma with one arm while I gingerly fold the diaper as best I can while surveying the damage to my bed. Baby starts crying as poo syrup drips off her legs and back. I place the fragile sodden diaper on the floor next to the bed as I start babywiping the baby. I'm trying to remove as much human waste from her skin as I can whilst hoping there is nothing left in her digestive tract.

While holding a naked baby in one arm and attempting to take the crap infested sheet off the bed, I manage to step on the poo-swollen diaper on the floor. My hand to God it sounded like someone doing a cannonball in the swimming pool. If the pool was full of watery shit.

So now I have a splash zone of shit on my bedroom floor, a screaming naked infant and a pillow-top mattress that needs to be burnt.

In the kerfuffle I somehow lost my bra. I am also wearing dirty socks today because I could not find clean ones. But they are 'wore them yesterday' dirty, not 'doused in fecal matter' dirty.